Through the Valley

It has been awhile since I last posted.  There has been so much going on, mostly stressful, so finding time to update has been difficult.  We moved to a new home in June (yay!).  However, we should have moved end of May.  I can't even use the words my realtor chose to describe the situation, but suffice it to say he said it was the worst closing he's seen in twenty years and, unfortunately, completely out of our control.  Not exactly an achievement I wanted.  But that's another (long) story for another day.

Right before that, we found out some other news.  My dad celebrated his 64th birthday in March.  His birthday was also the day he was told his cancer had returned.  Even now, I cannot begin to describe the burst of emotions when my mom told me the news.  He officially has stage 4 pancreatic cancer; this time the cancer had spread to his liver.  It wasn't so much that the cancer had returned.  The hardest part was the doctors essentially telling him to enjoy his remaining time here on earth.

I'm not going to lie.  After the initial shock had warn off and the heartache had set in, my next reaction was one of anger.  Not so much outright anger at God, but anger at the situation.  I mean, aren't there worse people in the world who deserve this cancer?  Why should they be able to live when their actions cause others so much misery?  Why MY dad?  Then it hit me.  Why NOT my dad?  Why not my family?  If maybe by my dad having cancer someone else was being spared so that they too could come to know the Lord that I love.  That also hit home.  Even though I was angry at the situation, wasn't the "situation" placed there by God?  Ouch.  How easily I forget the goodness of God.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

If the last few years of my life have taught me anything about trials, it is that God is good.  Over the last few months in church, my pastor has been preaching a series of messages that seem as if they were written for me.  One of them, a series on Psalm 23, spoke especially to my heart.  There are so many aspects of this psalm that I would love to share, but you can listen to the series here.  I have read this psalm many times and heard many messaged preached on it over the years.  After this series by my pastor, I will never be able to read Psalm 23 the same way again.

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Verse four is the one that really grabbed my attention.  "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me."  

I never paid much attention to the word "through" before.  When we walk in the valleys of life, the verse states that we walk through them, we don't dwell in them.  The valley is not a cave or dead-end with no exit.  Wow, what an encouragement!  

I cannot say that I have complete peace about my dad's prognosis, but that peace is growing the more I learn to trust in God.  It saddens me that without a miracle my dad will not be here much longer, but the part that hurts the most is my kids growing up not knowing their grandpa.  Owen may have a few memories, but I don't feel Addyson is old enough to have created those memories with her grandpa.

There are a lot of thoughts that run through my head and I still occasionally find myself crying at random times.  One of the hardest things I have had to do since finding out my dad's prognosis was trying to pick out what might be the last Father's Day card I ever give to my dad.  How do you sum up everything you think and feel for someone over the span of your life and put it into a card?  I found myself crying in the middle of the card aisle in the grocery store while my two kids looked at me like I was nuts.

I sometimes feel so selfish thinking at times more about how it affects me than how this cancer affects my dad.  My dad has been amazing through it all and praises God still.  The Lord has been gracious enough to allow my dad to feel fairly well through the process this time.  He had another round of chemo, which unfortunately did nothing.  He just recently had a procedure done to hopefully slow the growth of the tumor.

We were able to go to the beach with my family in June.  My dad says it was one of the best vacations he's ever had.  If you see the picture below, you can see probably why.  Every single one of those grandkids has their grandpa wrapped around their little fingers--and he wouldn't have it any other way.  And each one of those grandkids is a reminder of how good God is and how God has us in the palm of His loving hand.

Grandpa, Oma, and the grandkids
Photo credit: Kelley Collins