Through the Valley

It has been awhile since I last posted.  There has been so much going on, mostly stressful, so finding time to update has been difficult.  We moved to a new home in June (yay!).  However, we should have moved end of May.  I can't even use the words my realtor chose to describe the situation, but suffice it to say he said it was the worst closing he's seen in twenty years and, unfortunately, completely out of our control.  Not exactly an achievement I wanted.  But that's another (long) story for another day.

Right before that, we found out some other news.  My dad celebrated his 64th birthday in March.  His birthday was also the day he was told his cancer had returned.  Even now, I cannot begin to describe the burst of emotions when my mom told me the news.  He officially has stage 4 pancreatic cancer; this time the cancer had spread to his liver.  It wasn't so much that the cancer had returned.  The hardest part was the doctors essentially telling him to enjoy his remaining time here on earth.

I'm not going to lie.  After the initial shock had warn off and the heartache had set in, my next reaction was one of anger.  Not so much outright anger at God, but anger at the situation.  I mean, aren't there worse people in the world who deserve this cancer?  Why should they be able to live when their actions cause others so much misery?  Why MY dad?  Then it hit me.  Why NOT my dad?  Why not my family?  If maybe by my dad having cancer someone else was being spared so that they too could come to know the Lord that I love.  That also hit home.  Even though I was angry at the situation, wasn't the "situation" placed there by God?  Ouch.  How easily I forget the goodness of God.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

If the last few years of my life have taught me anything about trials, it is that God is good.  Over the last few months in church, my pastor has been preaching a series of messages that seem as if they were written for me.  One of them, a series on Psalm 23, spoke especially to my heart.  There are so many aspects of this psalm that I would love to share, but you can listen to the series here.  I have read this psalm many times and heard many messaged preached on it over the years.  After this series by my pastor, I will never be able to read Psalm 23 the same way again.

Photo credit: Pinterest

Verse four is the one that really grabbed my attention.  "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me."  

I never paid much attention to the word "through" before.  When we walk in the valleys of life, the verse states that we walk through them, we don't dwell in them.  The valley is not a cave or dead-end with no exit.  Wow, what an encouragement!  

I cannot say that I have complete peace about my dad's prognosis, but that peace is growing the more I learn to trust in God.  It saddens me that without a miracle my dad will not be here much longer, but the part that hurts the most is my kids growing up not knowing their grandpa.  Owen may have a few memories, but I don't feel Addyson is old enough to have created those memories with her grandpa.

There are a lot of thoughts that run through my head and I still occasionally find myself crying at random times.  One of the hardest things I have had to do since finding out my dad's prognosis was trying to pick out what might be the last Father's Day card I ever give to my dad.  How do you sum up everything you think and feel for someone over the span of your life and put it into a card?  I found myself crying in the middle of the card aisle in the grocery store while my two kids looked at me like I was nuts.

I sometimes feel so selfish thinking at times more about how it affects me than how this cancer affects my dad.  My dad has been amazing through it all and praises God still.  The Lord has been gracious enough to allow my dad to feel fairly well through the process this time.  He had another round of chemo, which unfortunately did nothing.  He just recently had a procedure done to hopefully slow the growth of the tumor.

We were able to go to the beach with my family in June.  My dad says it was one of the best vacations he's ever had.  If you see the picture below, you can see probably why.  Every single one of those grandkids has their grandpa wrapped around their little fingers--and he wouldn't have it any other way.  And each one of those grandkids is a reminder of how good God is and how God has us in the palm of His loving hand.

Grandpa, Oma, and the grandkids
Photo credit: Kelley Collins

Chocolate Easter Bunny in a Jar Gift

I was in Target's dollar section and saw a pair of really cute jars.  I just had to buy them, but had no idea what I was going to do with them.  Before I left the store, I had to think of something to do with them so the hubby would not think my purchase a waste of money.  I love to purchase items from the dollar section...maybe a little too often.

They looked perfect for a gift in a jar and I still needed teacher presents for Easter.  Bada boom bada bing!  I had a reason to buy them!

I remembered seeing in the past somewhere a bunny in a jar, but I did not really remember exactly what was in the jar.  However, I knew I wanted to put in something edible, so I started there.  

I came up with a cutesy saying while I was in target, so I purchased my items from what I was going to put on the gift tag.  

After washing the jars, I started with some edible grass and added some Cadbury Mini Eggs.  If you have not had the Mini Eggs yet, stop what you're doing and go buy a bag now!  Of course, you may have trouble putting the bag down once you start snacking.  I then added a Lindt chocolate bunny, because who doesn't love those?!

I tied it all up with the gift tag.  I ended up making one for the neighbors as well.  I would love to say that my son is excited to give the gifts to his teachers, but that is not quite true...he wants to keep them all for himself.  So l guess they do look good enough to eat.

Digital Detox Challenge: A Week Without Social Media

Lately, I had started noticing that whenever I had a free moment, I would automatically reach for my phone to check all my social media apps.  I would scroll down my Facebook news feed, post or look at other pictures on Instagram, pin or repin on Pinterest, and scroll down my Twitter feed.  I decided it was time to go on a digital hiatus.  It was not until I began this week-long journey that I realized just how much I was addicted to my social media and how much I was on it.  I learned several things from my "digital detox," as my husband put it.

The first day, I literally was tight in my chest for the first few hours from not being able to grab my phone or computer to see what was going on in the world.  I laughed at myself outwardly, but inside, I was anxious.  That was my first wake-up call.  

Something else I noticed was how much more time I had to spend with my kids this past week. Since I work from home most days, one-on-one time with my kids is always a struggle to fit in so that they feel noticed and loved; but I noticed just how much time I allowed my digital life to interfere with my one-on-one time with my kids.  I noticed too that when I thought I had a free moment to grab my phone, it was not always free.  I sometimes created that "free" time so I could check my phone.  Therein lied one of my biggest challenges of reprogramming myself.

My kids also seemed to pick up on the "new" mom vibe in the house.  They were happier, had fewer outbursts, and were more calm.  It was not a drastic change by any means, but it was a change nonetheless that had me feeling grieved for the time missed with my kids.  The fact that my kids previously felt the need to act out more so they could gain my attention caused me some much-deserved pain. 

If you had asked me on the first day how my week was going to go, you would have received a very negative answer.  Looking back now I see that I remained more calm in my day-to-day activities than I normally would have.  With house hunting, school schedules, allergies, work, and trying to sell a house, I would by no means say that I was not stressed during the week at times.  However, I found that as those times came, I had one fewer distraction so that I felt a little more calm than I normally would.  

Of course, all week my phone kept pushing those notifications in my face, but I would just clear them out without reading them.  I did not cheat once.  Really.  Trust me, there were many times when I wanted to share my little bit of the world or see what was going on in other people's lives.  Like when we were out house hunting and Addy just started throwing up macaroni and cheese everywhere (by the way, you can wash five times and still not get the smell out of your hands...or your hair...or your daughter's hair, arms, legs, hands..).  We had to strip her down to her diaper on the side of a road by a busy intersection while trying to clean her and the car with baby wipes, and then take a thirty minute ride home with the windows rolled up because it was cold outside while trying to keep two others from also losing their lunch.  Or share with the world how amazing my husband is and how fortunate we all are to spend another of his birthdays together.  Or to follow what's going on in my city. There is a corruption scandal with my city's mayor.  Of course his neighborhood had to be close to mine so that when I hear nothing but helicopters all afternoon flying over my house, the first thing I want to do is look at Twitter and Facebook to see what's going on...but I could not.

By the end of the week, when I had a free moment, I did not reach for my phone.  I looked around me to see what I could do, who I could play with, or just relaxed.  I think a digital detox week is something everyone should do once in a while, and something I will certainly do again.  It is a great way to ground me back into the real world, the world that is seen in front of my face and not through a phone screen.  Will I use social media again?  Yes.  This time, however, it won't use me.  

Going it Alone

After having my husband gone for eleven days for a mission trip to Mexico, I have a much greater appreciation for single parents, whether permanently or temporarily so.  I also have a better understanding of just how much emotionally I depend on my husband for support when it comes to raising our children.  

When Travis first told me he wanted to go on this mission trip, I was all for it.  However, after thinking about it--me...alone with two kids...for over a week--yeah, I got a little nervous; but hey, I've done it for a few days before so no problem!  I've got this!  That thought lasted for only the first couple of days...

Travis left on a Saturday before the kids woke up.  I was thankful that Owen had a birthday party to attend for a school friend and Addyson had kindly been invited as well.  I figured this would take the kids' minds off of missing their daddy.

I spent a couple of hours chasing kids, trying to keep them relatively clean and out of trouble.  They had a blast and came home with some great works of art.

*Apparently, painting your hand is part of the process*

We made it through the first day without the kids melting because daddy was gone.  They asked a few times that first day where he was.  I only had to tell them a few times that he was in Mexico, which is very far away, before they remembered.  Addy then liked to share her daddy's location with random strangers, telling them in a store as they walked by, "My daddy's in Messico!"  We had to nip that in the bud pretty quickly.

By day three it was getting a little harder to do this parenting thing by myself as the kids were using it to their advantage.  They both fought me more on things like getting ready, getting in the car, going to bed, etc.  I found bribery worked best during this time.  The kids earned a lot more treats and television time that week and a half than they have in a long time.

I think the mornings were the times I missed Travis the most, as far as needing help.  He always gets a shower before I wake up and then goes downstairs to start the coffee brewing.  While I'm getting ready, he makes the kids' breakfast, makes Owen's lunch and packs his bag, and watches the kids.  When Travis was gone, I had to wake up earlier so that the kids would not be left to run around the house by themselves.  Travis also takes Owen to school in the morning so that Addy and I are not in the car half the day.  Mornings were rough, to say the least.

We still managed to squeeze in some fun while daddy was gone and keep to our schedules--Owen still had school and I still had to work my job and do some of Travis' job.  Addy and I went on a couple of donut and coffee dates while Owen was in school, and we all went to the airport for a couple of hours to watch the planes take off and land.

*Donuts!*

*At the airport watching the planes*

*Love this kid!*

Bedtime was interesting, too.  The kiddos had some sweet moments, like when Owen wanted to read Addy her bedtime story, and some, uh, "challenging" moments, like when Owen locked us in Addy's room at bedtime.  We have the doorknob turned around on Addy's door to lock it from the outside instead of using child-lock devices.  Owen turned the lock on the door and then closed it after we were inside the room. 

When he first told me we were locked in, I just laughed.  I didn't think he was serious.  When he reassured me he was not kidding was when I started trying to channel my inner McGyver to get us out of the room.  Being a toddler's room, there was nothing sharp or pointy to use.  The only thing I had on me was my phone, which I seriously considered calling a locksmith to pick the lock on the front door so he could come upstairs to let us out of a room instead of get us into somewhere.

I ended up bending the lampshade to pick the lock on the door.  I worked for over forty-five minutes to get us out of that room.  Meanwhile, both kids were just playing with toys, completely oblivious to the fact that we could all be sleeping in the same bed that night and they would be wearing Addy's diapers until we could get out.  I even contemplated jumping out the window to get in the house through the front door, but I still would have to get through a locked door.  It was starting to get a little crazy in my head there for a bit.  Luckily, my lampshade break-out worked!

Travis was supposed to come back on Monday, but due to bad weather through a connecting flight, their flight was cancelled.  They couldn't get back until the next day.  Of course.  However, we all made it alive and mostly unscathed. 

Did I mention that a few days before Travis left we put our house on the market?  And I decided to potty train Addy while Travis was away.  Yeah, I'm crazy.  Thankfully, my parents were able to come for a few days to help me out.  While they were here, we had six showings on the house.  It is hard enough to keep a house clean on a normal day, but to keep one clean, ready to show...phew!  

After my parents left, we had two more showings.  Owen is actually pretty excited to move somewhere new.  He often will see a house when we're driving somewhere and will ask if we can buy it, whether it's for sale or not.  He is four now and this next house will be his fifth house to live in since he was born.  I am done with this moving thing.  We plan to stay put for a long time at the next house.  Hopefully.

I had some wonderful friends who thought of us while Travis was away.  At the beginning of the week a sweet friend sent me a gift card for Starbucks.  Coffee was a must that week and the gesture was such a lift to my spirits and an encouragement.  Another friend met me for coffee one morning after I dropped Owen off at school.  Another friend dropped off dinner one night before Travis came home.  I was having a rough day, and without knowing how rough, she brought food so that I didn't have to cook that night.  

Owen did develop some separation anxiety while Travis was gone.  He had a harder time being dropped off at school or church, struggled in school a bit that week with paying attention and obeying, and started coming to my room in the middle of the night to crawl in bed with me.  He is still coming to our room almost every night now, but other than that he is pretty much getting over his separation anxiety. 

While those eleven days were not easy, and actually extremely difficult at times, God knew what I would need that week of going it alone with the kids.  He sent friends, parents, and words and actions of encouragement and support.  Of course, I realize now I was never alone.  

*Proof-of-life picture we sent to daddy.
Just a typical drive on our way to school*

*Little girl spent a lot of time in the car this week.
She actually fell asleep one day--she hasn't done this
since she was a baby*

Snowflakes and Valentines

I can hardly believe just a week ago everything here was covered in snow.  Here in the South, we do not see much snow, so when we had about nine inches of it we were snowed in--and the kids loved it!  Owen has seen snow before, but not to this extent.  Addyson has not really seen a good snow and had never played in it before.  They would have lived outside if I had let them.

The snow was a time of several firsts. Owen built his first snowman and named her Snowball. Both Owen and Addyson made their first snow angels and went sledding for the first time.  Addyson walked in the snow for the first time. Owen and I had our first snowball fight.  Addy was hit in the face with a snowball by daddy.  Both saw snow more than two inches deep for the first time.

We were not prepared in the least as far as snow toys go.  My husband went looking at several stores for sleds or anything that could be used as one.  Everyone was sold out.  Instead, we improvised by getting a lid from a storage bin, putting a trash bag around it, and attaching a strap.  I wish you could have heard the squeals of delight and seen the smiles on their faces.  I admit I was just slightly jealous since I was a little too big for the "sled."

Due to the snow, Owen missed three days of school.  In class those days the kids were going to work on Valentine's Day crafts and such during the week and then have the class Valentine's Day party on Friday, so I was a little disappointed for him.  He, however, probably would have chosen to play in the snow anyway if given a choice, so he was happy.  

On day two, we all were starting to get cabin fever a bit.  We took a drive to get out of the house for a little bit.  It was beautiful and abnormally quiet.  I love how the snow makes everything look so clean and softened, before the snow plows come through that is.  There is also a beautiful calm when you walk outside.  Everything was muffled and peaceful, especially since most people did not venture out during the peak of the snow.

By day three, I was over the beauty of the snow and ready for it to be gone.  I love my children, but it is tough on everyone's nerves to be cooped up in a house for almost a week with nowhere to go and the weather not pleasant enough to be outside for long.  This is one of the many times I am thankful I live in the South.  The snow comes quickly, but thankfully also leaves quickly.

By Monday I was definitely ready for school to start back, but school was out for President's Day.  So when Tuesday rolled around, I was beyond thrilled.  Thankfully, Owen was excited to go back to school by then.  His class had their Valentine's party, so I went to that to help a little and to watch.  I completely forgot to take pictures until it was almost over.  He loved giving out his valentines and eating all the goodies at the party.  However, he wanted to go home about as soon as I arrived.  I think he partially missed all the time he had been able to spend with Mommy and Daddy.  When we did leave, he was so proud to carry out all of his valentines, until he slipped on some ice and they flew everywhere.

Now that a week has passed, I already have those moments when I wish I could keep him at home for the day.  I often look back and realize just how much time flies and how precious and treasured each and every moment is with my kids.  Sure, there are days I can hardly wait for bedtime, but more often I can hardly wait for them to wake up in the morning so I can talk to them, play with them, laugh with them, just spend time with them.  Three years ago, just a couple of weeks before Valentine's Day, I found out I was pregnant with my second (and last) child.  That valentine gift made our little family complete.  As Valentine's Day comes and goes, I count myself loved, fortunate, and blessed indeed.  

Last-Minute Valentine Ideas

I know I'm cutting it a little close, but I wanted to share some cute non-food valentines I found.  I love chocolate, but I am not a huge fan of giving a lot of it to my kids, so these valentines are great alternatives to the typical candy valentines.  Your kids can even help you put some of these together for their friends!

I made the Glow Stick Valentines for my son last year and the Bubble Valentine's for my daughter--their friends loved them!  I printed the glow stick valentines onto the back side of some Valentine-themed paper to give it a little more pizzazz.  This year I made my son's valentines myself, but these valentine ideas are great if you do not want to design your own but still want something cute and unique.

1. You're Over the Rainbow Loom Bracelet Valentine

2. Bubble Valentine's Cards

3. Valentine's Day Bag Toppers

4. Play-Doh Valentines

5. Glow Stick Valentines

6. Dollar Store Kazoo Valentines

7. Printable Valentine Puppets

Second Home

Many people dream of having a second home, somewhere they look forward to spending time away from home.  We have a "second home," but I do not enjoy being there.  We have met many wonderful people, some of whom have changed our lives for the better.  Our second home is the hospital and we almost made it a year this time since our last visit.  

This last weekend, Owen was admitted to the hospital for the eleventh time, not including NICU.  We started out on Friday the 10th with a few sniffles and a cough. Saturday, knowing he wasn't feeling well and had not eaten supper the night before, we gave him the choice of where to eat for breakfast, hoping to encourage him to eat something.  When we were seated at the restaurant, all he wanted to do was to lie in Travis' lap--not a very Owen thing to do.  We took him home where he started to become a little more tired and lethargic.  By approximately 6:00 that evening, I could see he was beginning to retract, was looking pale, and just the slightest hint of blue was beginning to appear around his lips.  I took him to the children's urgent care nearby, feeling pretty confident already this was going to be an admission.

The urgent care is only five to seven minutes away (compared to 25+ for the ER) and has fewer germs with which he could come in contact.  That is the positive side to going to the urgent care instead of the ER.  The negative is that if he needs admitted, then that means an ambulance.  While he actually somewhat enjoys the ride, I already start adding up the bills in my head.  The ambulance is necessary for transport since I am not authorized to have an oxygen tank in my car.  Much to Owen's dismay we do not speed through the streets of town, lights and siren blazing.

While waiting for the ambulance, we heard a firetruck in the parking lot.  Next thing I know, three firemen come in the door and start to check Owen's vitals and such.  The medics came along a few minutes later.  Owen was a little overwhelmed with all the people in the room, but was more concerned the firemen were there to give him a shot.  Yep, the boy who cannot breathe that well and does not feel well is more concerned over a little shot.  In fact, he asked every person that came in his room while we were there if they were going to give him a shot.

{The firetruck and ambulance that came for Owen--he loved all the lights}

He was loaded up into the ambulance and I hopped in beside him.  About every two minutes he would ask if we were there yet...and every time we slowed down...and every time we stopped.  The medic, whose name was Megan, was great with him and answered him every time.  She tried her best to entertain him with balloon gloves and drawing things for him and getting the other medic to talk over the speaker to Owen.

As we were about to leave the urgent care for the hospital, the nurse practitioner turned to Owen and said, "Well, you are going to your second home."  At this point, hospital stays are somewhat routine, one which we hope will change a little more as he gets older.  Even though it is routine, I would not say it becomes easier.  Part of it is a little bit of frustration in knowing I can care for him most times at home, but do not have access to certain medicines and to oxygen.  It is not easy to watch your child struggling to breathe.  It's not easy sitting in a hospital away from your other child and your husband, knowing the other child wants you just as much as the one you are with.  It's not easy trying to keep a baby/toddler/preschooler in bed and to get them to not touch whatever is attached to them to try to rip everything off.  It's not easy keeping that child occupied and distracted when they are not allowed out of bed.  It's not easy sitting there in a building full of people and feeling alone.

We are very fortunate, however, to have a large group of friends and family whose messages and prayers uplift us, probably more than they will ever know.  We are still blown away by how many people still pray for Owen, which is the best medicine of all.  

One of Owen's favorite toys is a stuffed giraffe given to him during one of his first hospital admissions here after after we moved two hours away.  That small token on the giver's part was received so gratefully by Owen and was very uplifting to us, the parents, as well.  The small things really do matter.

{Getting settled at the hospital with James the giraffe and Sammy the seahorse}

Everyone complains about the sleeping arrangements at a hospital, so I'll spare you that diatribe--with enough lack of sleep, even the uncomfortable arrangements cannot hinder my sleep from coming.  What's hard at night is the constant barrage of people coming in and out of the room all night.  I have learned that I can usually request the nursing assistant to not come in to check blood pressure and temperature through the night.  When I figured that out several admissions ago, I was beyond thrilled and we both sleep much better.  

If Owen is not on continuous nebulizer medicine then that means the respiratory therapist is coming in every two hours during the night.  As he becomes better, the medicine is spaced out to every three hours and eventually to four which is usually when I get to take him home.  Sometimes he is able to sleep through the treatments, but other times he becomes very aggravated.  I would be too if I woke in the middle of the night to some stranger standing over my bed blowing something in my face.  

Thankfully, this stay was a short one.  The doctor teams make their rounds in the mornings.  When the team came in Sunday morning to see him, they told us that he would be going home probably on Monday morning since he was still on oxygen and his treatments weren't every four hours yet.  The attending doctor said unless by some miracle we would not be heading home that day.  Well, we got our miracle thanks to all those prayers.  

Although Owen gets sick quickly, he also heals relatively quickly. Also, with his history of numerous admissions and respiratory illnesses, the medical staff feels comfortable sending him home with me when they would normally keep other children who haven't been hospitalized as many times.  Although even we have referred to the hospital as his second home, it obviously is not and never will feel like home.  We were able to go home about 6:30 in the evening, fewer than twenty-four hours after being admitted.  There truly is no place like home and we are so happy to be here.  

{He was so happy to be able to Skype with his daddy and sister}

{A Child Life volunteer brought him some new toys that had been donated to the hospital--the first big grin on his face in a few days!

{No more oxygen AND he's eating!}

Mary Had a Little...Cold

Well, it's that time of year again...cold and flu season.  In this house, it is a season with more dread to us than to most others.  Due to my son's asthma and premature birth, his lungs are very susceptible to illness and infection.  For over six weeks now, he has already been fighting off various colds and allergies.  

For the first three years, a "simple" cold would be enough to land him in the hospital.  Thankfully, it takes a little more than that now.  Because of this, we tend to take extra precautions and clean hands a little more frequently than most.

Below is a great poem from my son's school handbook that sums up well this season of germ sharing. 

Mary Had a Little Cold

Mary had a little cold, but would not stay at home.

Everywhere that Mary went, the cold was sure to roam.

It wandered into Mollie's eyes and filled them full of tears.

It jumped from there to Bobby's nose and then to Jimmy's ears.

It painted Anna's throat bright red and swelled poor Daniel's head.

Sally had a fever and a cough put Jack to bed.

The moral of this little tale is very quickly said...

Mary could have saved a lot of pain by just one day in bed!